EYE OF TOBIA PHOTOGRAPHY BLOG

Documenting, sharing and musing about photography (and life with small children)

I am going to take a little break from my usual photo posts and tell you a little story about a certain Mother I know. Perhaps this is the wrong forum, but I know She reads this and it is something I think I can put out there.

Parenting is hard (wicked hard, if you live up here in the Northeast). I have so many friends that seem to navigate its perils much more adeptly and gracefully than I. And they climbed aboard far rockier boats than I did. My first time around with parenting I was granted this perfect little sleep machine who cried rarely, snuggled always and would coo while I worked at editing photos on my computer and answering client emails. I could hardly ask for more, business was good- but not overwhelming and my husband is a partner in all of the parenting tasks, even if his work schedule is/was demanding. Before I digress about how fate really decided we needed a shake up with the second child…I will get back to my friend…

She had her child not long after I had Dunedin. And what a different voyage she had bought tickets for. Where Dunedin wanted the scenic ferry, Her child was ready for rough and wild waters that rocked/bounced their new little family all over the rocky shores. But they got on day after day, and night after night and rode it out. She gave up a lot to have her child. All of us who parent do: Our freedom, our nights, our independent thoughts, some of our friends/relationships, our extraneous hobbies… But She gave up a year of Medical school to be home with Hers on that darn rocky boat. The medical training path is no joke. It doesn’t just take years, it takes one’s days, their nights and important family times and holidays you just can’t get back.

We can skip forward a bit in this story. Now we have moved about an hour away, my Friend is in Residency and we see Her and the clan far less often than we would like. Calendars just get so crammed up and our free time is under a pile of 2t clothes from last summer that are crammed into the closet. But we had a chance to hang out and wipe each others kid’s noses a couple weeks ago. She brought up something that I think so many of us parents feel but, because we are so busy or tired, we lack the perspective to realize the lunacy of. She expressed that She felt inadequate, because with all this training she had received she was unable to do anything to help the victims in Haiti other than just send some money. She had a friend who traveled the world as a single mother and assisted in disaster torn areas. She told me she was envious of some of the things I do with my kids that she sees when I post on the blog. She felt she just couldn’t give enough, that she was tired of needing to be so self focused, which is what is required to advance with one’s medical training. She wants to be able to do something, help people and make a difference. It is because of this deep caring for others that She is so incredibly lovable to me and so many others. (And because she gets my often bizarre sense of humor… but more because of the former part )

So this little story about my DoctorMama friend is really about this feeling of inadequacy that so many of us can feel. Here is this person who, with her husband, has created a warm, nurturing and loving home. They have more empathy and compassion than most of us would know what to do with. They both have advanced medical degrees and help families every day. They provide a stable home with fantastic role modeling of caring, hard work and dedication to their child and others. What can we do as parents when someone like this feels inadequate? I feel bad when I can’t get back to an email right away, or keep our house organized or keep hats on my kid when it is cold outside.

I have another friend who was working 2 jobs and going to school while raising her kids and would manage to take her kids to every event/program the city could offer and have home cooked meals and deserts for them. And another who struggles with being home all day with her young son and is stuck with the questions about whether each choice she makes is the right one. Not to mention my single parent friends who have to do it all on their own. Or ones that have to deal with some really difficult issues with sick spouses or children.
We all look at other households and seem to think that they have figured it all out and have their courses all charted out. Or have enough self-delusion to think that we know exactly what kind of journey we will have and can judge rockier ships from afar. But all of us sometimes just need a little encouragement.

So if you know someone like my Friend… please give them a hug and remind them that you have an extra little lifeboat if they might need to climb in from time to time.

A couple of side notes:

• If you haven’t donated already Partners in Health is a fantastic organization that does amazing work world wide and has been in Haiti doing great works for the last 20 years.
• I have another friend who also kicks butt and manages parenting, getting her Doctorate, keeping up with her hobbies and writes all about it in a couple (yes, thats right, 2) blogs. They are great reads and always insightful… or at least sarcastic enough to make parenting, well, “funner”. Check them out if you have time: Adjustment and Disorder and Stinkerbells.